Welcome back, Saddam!

From: George.W.Bush@whitehouse.gov

Sent: Wednesday, January 10, 2005 4:49 PM
To: Saddam.Hussein@undisclosed-location.gov
Subject: Welcome Back

Howdy, partner, it's your old friend George W. here in Washington , D.C.

I thought I would write with the hope of learning you are being treated well in your undisclosed location. I see you have a new haircut and are getting a bit grayer; so am I.

Sorry about the Uday and Qusay misunderstanding. Like they said in The Godfather (which I know is your favorite movie), "it's business, not personal." I hope both your sons made it to paradise and found their 72 virgins. As a devoted father, you have to be happy about that! Perhaps they’ll find multiple wives and settle down in paradise, and "I hope their first child is a masculine child."

It was a good year for me. You'll be quite proud to hear that I managed to steal another election! My brother, Jeb, came through once again in Florida , and Diebold rigged the Ohio vote count.

Kerry would have driven you crazy with his flip-flopping, and his wife is a "major league" pain in the butt - "big time".

Can you imagine dealing with Kerry? "Saddam, you were with us before you were against us.” And his wife might just tell you to go "shove it".

You're lucky you didn't have to deal with all this election nonsense when you were in power in Iraq. Your treachery and deception were pure, and you didn't have that idiot Michael Moore chasing you around, getting these morons all riled up and making a fortune doing it. You would have thrown the dope into Abu Ghraib. Hmm, now there's a thought…

Pretty cool, though, what we did at Abu Ghraib, huh? I bet you're disappointed your sons missed the fun with the red panties, whips, chains, dog leashes and hoods. That Lyndie England is one mean chick; bet she'd have made a perfect mate for your son, Uday, but I doubt she was a virgin. Oh, well, c'est la guerre.

Anyway, I know it's short notice, but I’m writing to invite you to my inauguration on January 20th. Do you think you can make it? Please come; you can even ride with Laura and me in the presidential limousine as we travel down Pennsylvania Ave. You can also stand beside us while I take my oath of office.

I must warn you that there may be demonstrations, but you were great at putting them down in Iraq; perhaps you can give me some ideas? If you have any WMDs left over from the ones we supplied you in the ‘80s, can you bring some along?

Great party afterwards! The usual $250,000 fee – well, it's on me!

Hope you will accept my sincere invitation and that we can be friends again, just like we were in the 1980s.

However, I have just one small favor to ask:

Please, I beg you, take your damn country back, and get me the hell out of this mess!

On January 30th, those crazy Shia are likely to elect an "Ayatollah" allied with Iran . I don't have enough time to make my brother Jeb the Governor of Iraq so he can fix the election, and Diebold machines only work with electricity. (Billions of dollars, and those Halliburton idiots can't get the lights to work, or even screw in a light bulb, for that matter.) I'm desperate and I know now, like in the movie, I can only come to you for justice, Godfather – I mean, "Allah-Father”.

These whiny liberals here are going to crucify me. By January 30th, nearly 1,400 Americans will be dead and over 10,000 wounded, so we can legitimately elect a government aligned with Iran and will possess the largest combined oil reserves in the world. You can't make this stuff up, Saddam, my dear friend.

All my lies, all the deception, all the money and blood wasted, just so we can have in power an Islamic theocracy that hates us even more than you hated us. We were together, fighting precisely this phenomenon, when we supplied you with the WMDs to defeat Islamic fundamentalism in the ‘80s, only to destroy the WMDs in the ‘90s, so the radical Islamics can now be elected legitimately in 2005. Now there's a flip-flop that would confuse even John Kerry.

Saddam, my friend, we cannot allow this to happen: we owe it to the good folks of "liberated" and "pacified" Fallujah.

Therefore, I have signed a decree that releases you immediately from prison, grants full amnesty and bestows honorary US citizenship on you as well. Ditto for the members of the Republican Guard. (I must admit I always did love the name Republican Guard; sounds much tougher than Democrat Guard).

Speaking of the Guard, I've instructed our National Guard troops stationed in Iraq to erect a new statue of you in Fardus Square, bigger and better than the one that they (not the Iraqi people) toppled in 2003. Problem is our National Guard troops are so old, paunchy and battle-weary that they may not be up to the task. Do you think we can borrow a few of your "remnants" to do some heavy lifting?

I've instructed Karl Rove to be your campaign manager, so together we can steal the January 30th Iraqi elections, get you back in power and get me the hell out of this mess. My "brain" Karl has already begun to work and has come up with some creative slogans for your campaign. Check these out and let me know what you think:

"Saddam Hussein: Four More Decades"

"Tyranny Beats Anarchy"

"Yes to Fears, No to Queers"

"Vote Baath or Get Hosed "

"Marriage is Between a Man and a Woman... or a Goat"

"Shias will Export Jobs to Iran "

"OJ Killed More Americans than I Did on 9/11"

and my personal favorite

"Are You Better off Today Than You Were Four Years Ago?"

Saddam, hopefully you will accept my invitation to the inauguration. I know we can be friends again, just like we were when Don Rumsfeld paid you a visit back in 1983. I’m sure you will be busy with the campaign, so I do understand if you can’t attend. Perhaps we'll see you at Camp David in the spring?

The campaign will be tough, "but when the going gets tough, the tough get going." So get going, and welcome back, Saddam!

Jerry Ghinelli
01/11/05 "ICH" -- Satire --